Observers were shocked today to receive a press release from Senate Majority Leader Charles Schumer (D-New York) and House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries (D-Brooklyn) announcing that the platform of the Democratic Party will be changed within the next 30 days to end all sanctuary cities that harbor illegal aliens. The announcement goes further in noting that local authorities will now be encouraged to cooperate and coordinate with federal officials in removing, at the very least, criminal illegal aliens.
This is a remarkable shift from the former Democratic policy that had promoted the illegal broder crossing of 10 to 20 million undocumented people during the Biden administration. It also reverses the present Democratic policy that prevents local police from assisting federal authorities in getting illegal alien rapists, murderers and pedophiles off our streets.
In another shocking announcement, the leaders have finally relented in their push to allow biological men to participate in women’s sports.
The platform suggests further that the Democrats will no longer support taxpayer-funded sex change operations for inmates or the placement of biological men, with their original genitalia still intact, being transferred into women’s prisons.
The Democrats also conceded that the government shutdown, which caused four-hour lines at airports, was indeed caused by their own members of Congress, who refused to fund the Department of Homeland Security budget.
In what was seen as an effort to court independent voters, the Democratic leaders said that they would be pulling back on their Woke agenda, which sought the payment of reparations to various minority groups. They also vowed that they would no longer discriminate against Asian-Americans for college placement.
Perhaps most surprisingly, the Democratic leaders have retracted their previous statements that the world would end in 12 years due to climate change and are now claiming that climate change is not the existential threat once touted. While they concede that the earth is getting warmer and action must be taken, they announced that they will no longer seek trillions of dollars in additional taxes to battle the climate issue, since previous attempts have not been successful and have served to place significant economic burdens on the working and middle classes.
As a result of these changes, the leaders declared that everyone’s electric bill will decrease by 50% over the next two years.
We hope you read this entire article before you jumped out of your skin or called your friends to discuss this matter further.
April Fool!